I wasn’t going to publish a post today. However, a recent conversation that I had with my 6-year-old has been echoing in my head. I just can’t shake it. I thought I would take a moment to share it here with you.
“Mom, I’m scared about my allergy test.”
“Really, what are you scared of?”
“I’m scared it won’t go good.”
I nod in assurance.
“I’m scared it won’t go good and that I will stop breathing… and when you stop breathing you die.”
I caught my breath. I looked at this little girl in front of me and couldn’t help but see my baby. That little face looking up at me for assurance that this world is indeed a safe place to be. That little face with those big eyes, asking and pleading to know if everything will be okay.
My instincts say to protect her, to hide her, to shelter her from everything… but I know I can’t.
It took all of my energy and much self-control to respond to her confidently. You see, she had expressed a fear I had hidden and suppressed deep down inside of me. What if I lose her? What if she dies? How could I live with myself? How any parent survives the loss of their child, I don’t know… because the thought of it devastates me.
I fought back the tears and told her everything I had been telling myself.
- The doctor is doing this test because he feels it’s safe to do so
- The test is in the doctor’s office – lots of experts, Mommy and Daddy will be watching you carefully
- We know what to do if the test doesn’t go well
- You have an Epi-Pen
- The doctor’s office is across the street from the hospital
She seemed somewhat satisfied by my response.
Later as I thought about this I began to self-condemn. How can I forget about Jesus? And prayer? And our assurance in healing? Is it my fear that perhaps she isn’t healed that kept me from sharing? As the self-condemnation came to an epic high and my nerves were rattled, I went into prayer.
Not too long after my daughter approached me again.
“Mom, I’m just a teeny, tiny, incy, wincy, little bit scared of what will happen at my allergy test.”
“I know sweetie….”
“But there’s something that scares me even more.”
“And what’s that?”
Tomorrow is the big day. I’m praying friends and if you’re the praying type, I hope you will join me in prayer that our little girl will not be fearful, that we won’t be fearful, that we will have strength, and that she is fully and completely healed of her anaphylaxis dairy allergy. It’s a big day for all of us… and I pray all goes well.