I do not deserve love because I am unlovable.
I can’t answer how such an awful thought could dominate my existence but it did and it nearly ruined my life. Everything I have and love today balances precariously on a brave step I took almost seven years ago… I left my ex-husband.
My ex-husband was a good man. He was a gentle man. This in itself should not be the basis of marriage but these two characteristics and the fact that he actually loved me was enough for me to say yes to his proposal. When I reflect on the past I see a woman full of insecurities, full of self-loathing, and devoid of any emotional maturity.
I was twenty-four when I married my ex-husband. We were married for five and a half long years.
Shortly after we married, I started attending college. Suddenly my world grew. I met new people, I had new experiences, I expanded my horizons, I heightened my ambitions but most importantly, I fell in love with me. It may sound weird but I truly believe that loving yourself is the key ingredient to finding true love. When I looked in the mirror I finally saw me, rather than the person I would never be. I saw Jennifer, I saw her quirks, I saw her intelligence, I saw her passion and I saw her value.
It’s amazing how when your perspective about yourself changes your view of others as well. I began to see that my ex-husband was not an ideal mate. He did not challenge me. He did not inspire me. All he could do was love me and suddenly that was not enough. I wanted true love. So I took a brave step and left my ex-husband.
From that moment on, my life exploded with amazing opportunities, remarkable experiences and… love. True love. I found the love of my life. A friendship of seven years evolved into a love I couldn’t have possibly imagined. I found THE one… my soul mate.
I have been happily married to my husband for four years. He is good, kind, gentle, sensitive, intelligent, industrious, passionate, loving, giving, creative, inspiring, funny, and supportive.
So as I write this posting, less than a week away from Valentine’s Day, I want to share with you my own personal words of wisdom and encouragement:
I am lovable and I deserve love. #ValentinesDay Click To TweetYou are perfect because only you can be the best you. Love yourself and everything else will fall into place.
I am lovable and I deserve love. I’m glad I came to that conclusion so many years ago, because without this epiphany, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. Now stop reading this posting and go find love in yourself!
Such a great blog! Really inspirational! I totally agree with you, until you love yourself you can not really experience true love from someone else!
Amazing love story :)
Beautifully said, Jennifer! Loved this! :)
I know this post is old and you probably won’t see this but thank you for posting this. I married my husband for the same reasons. I thought he was a great guy and he loved me. I knew about all his issues – his alcoholism, his insecurities, his 7th grade education, his pathologically low self-esteem, his mental illness – but I thought I could handle it. I found someone that loved me and that was enough. Now it’s 7 months later and it’s not enough. He started drinking after we had been married 2 months. In 4 days, he committed crimes in 3 counties. He went to jail for 3 months and got out about 2 months ago. His neediness and insecurity are draining. He lacks basic understanding and common sense. He scrutinizes every comment I make to find hidden meaning. His license was suspended so I do all the driving. He has a crap job but doesn’t think he can get another one, and he’s probably right. His level of intelligence – not education but basic intelligence – is low. I had my first child at 17 and I thought I was through raising kids but he’s like another child. He swears he loves me and panics and emotionally blackmails me if he even thinks our marriage is not working, saying he’s not going to make it. He starts arguments and then when I get upset, he gets overly dramatic and acts like he’s having an emotional breakdown, screaming why am I doing him like this. Believe it or not, this is an improvement over the first 2 months of our marriage. Before he went to jail, he wouldn’t talk to people because he thought everybody, even strangers, didn’t like him, he would start arguments about my friends since he didn’t have any, he would emotionally break down about work, he was jealous that I was a happy person (which has since left), and he was even worse in trying to undercover what I really meant when I talked. I feel trapped and I can’t stand looking at him. I’m not being challenged, I’m not being supported, and I’m always on guard. I have my own struggles with depression from severe childhood abuse and the weight of this man, his fears, and his neediness is taking a toll on me mentally. I just want to leave the state and never see him again but I have 2 of my adult sons living with me and they need at least another year to get their life together. Right now I’m holding on until June of next year when I plan to pack my stuff and move out one day while he’s at work. I feel guilty about hurting him but he doesn’t love me, I can see that now. He just has an unhealthy dependency on me and he’s taken me emotionally and mentally hostage.
I’m praying that you find the strength you need to reclaim your life.
xoxo
How did the life of the first husband turn out? Karma anyone.
It speaks volumes that you “really don’t know”. But then again it’s all about you.
I really don’t know but I sincerely hope he is happy and living a wonderful life.
Wow, what a story! That’s what I call a powerful self discovery, Jennifer!
Evan’s a blessed man. You’re amazing, my friend =)
Thank you Jaime. It was an extraordinary journey of self-discovery and I’m so thankful I went down that path as I have a beautiful life to show for it.
Blessings to you my friend!