It’s been almost a week since I heard the news that my dear grandma died. She died on the most glorious spring day. It was so beautiful, that my girls and I decided to plant our garden. As we did so, memories of Grandma flooded my mind. I remembered how she loved to garden and how I would raid her garden for peas and raspberries. Less than an hour later I found out she had died.
There is a precious beauty in knowing that while she was taking her last breaths we were doing one of her most beloved activities.
I’ve experienced death before but this is my first encounter with the loss of a family member. There have been moments in the past week when the heaviness and despair felt like it would swallow me whole. I would wake up in the morning and have a few precious seconds which were oblivious to the grief but then I would remember… and my heart would sink.
She is gone.
However, this past week has also shown me just how many beautiful people are in my life. From the cards and flowers, to the emails and messages of love and support… when I felt most vulnerable and at my weakest, so many people surrounded me, supported me, and lifted me up.
My days blurred from one to the next with tears, prayer, impromptu naps, looking at old photos, memories, baths, more tears, and more prayers.
Today we will be laying my grandma to rest. I’ve been reminiscing often about my times with her. However, one of the strongest memories of my grandma has replayed in my mind many times over. If you don’t mind, I would like to share it with you….
I was just a little girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old. We were wrapping up a weekend excursion to my grandparents’ acreage. As they packed the van I made a last run around the property. It was then that I spotted a fluffy yellow baby duck stuck in a large pit on the property.
There was no mama duck around. This baby duck had obviously fallen in and could not get out.
We fished the duckling out of the pit and I held its precious shaking body in my hands.
We drove back to the city, the duckling in a small box, wrapped in a tea towel. I recall opening the lid of the box and peeking in at my treasured, beloved duckling. My young mind imagined keeping the duckling. I envisioned being the only kid at school with a pet duck, taking it for walks on a leash, and playing with it in the backyard. I came to the conclusion that I would be its mama and a good mama I would be.
Upon arriving back in the city at my grandparents’ house, there were many talks with my grandma, my aunt, and uncle; no one seemed to think that this duck could survive without its mama. They were trying to figure out how to help it and where to bring it. However, before any firm decision could be made, the duckling died.
I remember weeping and feeling a deep pain I couldn’t explain. I was devastated.
I couldn’t understand why it died. Why did I have to find it only to have it die just a few short hours later?
My grandma comforted me and then told me in the gentlest way possible, “Wasn’t it better that the duck died being loved by you, than to have died alone and scared?”
I remembered pondering this and thinking how right she was.
People often say when someone dies, that the world isn’t as bright because they are not in it. However I find comfort in thinking that even though my Grandma is dancing and singing in heaven with our Savior, her light still shines on in our memories; in the lessons she taught her children and grandchildren, and in love that she has passed on through the generations.
This is my favourite version of This Little Light of Mine.
Click HERE if the video doesn’t display.
Thank you for all of your kind words, emails, prayers, and love. Your kindness has blessed and encouraged me more than you could know.
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What a beautiful memory and a wonderful lesson. She seemed like an amazing lady. I’m sorry for this first passing of such a close loved one, but I envy you the singularity of it. I’ve lost so many I feel like I’ve lived 5 lifetimes sometimes. It seems like she had a full and joyous life. That is a wonderful knowledge. Hold the people you love close, but when they go, simply say goodbye. You will meet them again.
Sending you healing thoughts. Yanic xo
Thank you so much for your kind words Yanic. Yes… I will meet her again and what a glorious reunion that will be.
What a beautiful memory of a beautiful bond you shared. Sending love and prayers to you on such a difficult day. Xx
Thank you so much Meg. You have been such a wonderful and caring support to me. I appreciate your friendship more than I could possibly express.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For the love and prayers… I feel completely blessed.
xoxo
Many condolences to you and your family during this time. We will be praying for you today. We rejoice that she is with the Lord!
Thank you so much Lyssa. She is with the Lord… I find comfort in thinking of her there in His presence.
xoxo
Your grandmother was a wise woman. What a beautiful sentiment she shared with you way back when and so true! Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
She was very wise… but humbly so. She had a gentle way about her, to share and minister the perfect thing at the perfect time.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. I sincerely appreciate it Michelle.
xoxo
Light still shines!!!! Yes – We must cling to that – I’m so sorry for your loss, but thanks for reminding me today about the light – I need it
Caroline, throughout this emotional ordeal “This Little Light of Mine” has come up so many times. It’s like God knew I needed to feel my Grandma’s presence even in her absence… so he gave me this song which has cropped up repeatedly over the past week. God has been so gracious through this time… leaving echoes of His presence in all the trials and emotions. Despite the sorrow, there is always the undeniable comfort that our Lord and Saviour gives to us in our times of need.
Wishing you blessings and light my friend.
xoxo
Oh Jennifer, you have me in tears. What a beautiful story that says so much about your grandmother! She sounded like an amazing woman! So awesome that she’s in Heaven with our Savior now. :) You and your family have been in my prayers! Much love to you!
Thank you so much Kelli… for the caring messages of love and support, as well as for all the prayers.
Blessings to you my friend.
xoxo
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope your day of tribute for her was all that you hoped it would be.
Thank you Sanz. It was a lovely interment… just immediate family was present, so we each had something unique to contribute and share.
xoxo
Jennifer, I sit here in tears as I picture your memory with your grandma and the duckling. What a story that speaks so much to her character. I hope you found peace today as you and your family shared memories of her. I’ve lost some very close family members in my life and it never gets easier. Lots of love and prayers for you my dear.
xoxo
My Grandma really was an amazing woman. I often regard her as the Proverbs 31 woman… so full of faith, wisdom, and grace.
I did find some peace through our memorial. I’m certain I will have moments when I will miss her greatly but one day I’ll meet her again.
Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers my friend.
xoxo
So sorry for your loss, but what a beautiful memory! Sending lots of thoughts, prayers, and hugs your way~
Thank you so much for all the kind words and support Lisa.
xoxo
i am so sorry for your loss, jennifer. i love that you and your girls were gardening on the day she passed; really represents the on-going cycle of life. so beautiful.
sending lots of warmth and love from ontario. XOXO
Thank you my friend. It was a beautiful revelation to know that we “connected” with her in her passing moments. The love, warmth, and kindness you’ve shared is sincerely appreciated.
xoxo
This story brought me to tears! What a beautiful woman with such wisdom bestowed. It’s so beautiful that those words in that memory would resonate so deeply, are so powerful and helpful. That memory is a gift from her and is the guiding light (that she has always been) living on.
She was a remarkable, beautiful woman. I will miss her so very much… but she nurtured and taught well. Her loving lessons will forever be a part of me.
I am here catching up on your last three blog posts, which I somehow missed. My heart aches for you and your loss, but what delightful memories you have of your sweet grandma! I loved the duckling story, and it shows what a tender and thoughtful woman she was. Take your time and grieve well–you have truly lost someone wonderful. Someday you will meet up with her again–dancing on the streets of gold. Woo-hoo!
She was an amazing woman Mia. So many times I look at her and have thought she is the closest example of the Proverbs 31 woman. She had such a servant’s heart too. What a wonderful role model I’ve had in my life. I have been blessed.
One day I will meet her again! I find comfort in knowing that.
xoxo
I lost a precious mentor last week and your words about your grandmother helped me find a little bit of clarity in my sorrow. You are right, that photo speaks very much to who she was. Your words do every bit of justice to her memory as well. xo
I’m so sorry for your loss Jean. I’m glad my words helped you my friend.
xoxo
Wow, she sounds like such an amazing and loving woman. What a sweet lesson she taught you. I lost my grandfather and my cousin a few years ago and they were the first family members that I lost that really impacted me. I know that feeling you are describing of waking up and then remembering everything and the weight that’s on your heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you, friend.
She was amazing Jessica. Her heart was so big. She loved everyone and served everyone she encountered. I have been blessed with knowing an exceptional woman, a role model like no other.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers my friend.
xoxo
Beautifully written and your grandmother would be so proud of this post. This little light of mine gave me goosebumps. Big hugs xo
It is my favourite version of This Little Light of Mine… definitely goosebumps material.
Thank you for your kind words, comfort, and hugs.
xoxo
Hi Jennifer! I just got back in town, I’ve been gone for five days. I am so sorry that I missed this post on the day of your Grandmother’s burial.
And this is the first death in your immediate family, which makes it all so much sadder too. I know she is looking at you and smiling, and putting her arm around her granddaughter. How she loved you! And you returned that love. What a beautiful reflection of Gods love for all of us.
Praying that your heart heals a little every day. Be patient. It takes a while….
Hugs,
Ceil
Thank you so much for your love and kindness Ceil.
Your friendship and wisdom means so much to me.
xoxo
Many warm thoughts to you Jennifer. I have yet to deal with someone I am VERY close with passing on. What a strange life we live, right? Everyone deals with it at some point but that surely doesn’t make it easier, nothing does.
Thinking of you.
XO
Thanks for the kind words and thoughts Cordelia. It’s definitely a struggle. I feel blessed though that at the age of 39 I lost my first grandparent. Pretty fortunate to have had my grandparents for as long as I have.
xoxo
So sorry for your loss but what wonderful memories she has given you. My dad past almost a year ago. Family gatherings as well as day to day activities are different now but we are thankful for the years we had him. He was a character! Hugs to you.
It’s so hard. I can see how special occasions would be challenging.
I appreciate your kind words and comfort.