Have you ever parented using consequences? Here is an example of one such occasion.
“Mom, look at these bagels. Don’t they look sooooo good?”
My six-year-old daughter stood in front of the bulk baking bins and was looking longingly at the cinnamon raisin bagels.
“Can we get them? Pleeeeease?”
“No. Not today,” I responded.
I sized up the price of the bread and finally chose a few loaves. When I turned around I saw my daughter, standing in front of the bulk bins, with a bagel in each pink gloved hand.
“I decided we should get these,” she said.
I took the bagels out of her hands and placed them in a bag.
“Well now we have to buy them because you touched them,” I responded, “but you are going to have to pay for them with your own money.”
My daughter flopped down on the floor and begged me to put them back.
She didn’t want to pay for them.
I told her I didn’t want to pay for them either. I didn’t want to buy bagels today but because her germs were on them, we would have to buy them.
She then negotiated that maybe she could give one of the bagels to her sister and her sister could pay for one and she would pay for the other one.
I explained that it was her responsibility and her consequence. She could still give one to her sister but she would have to pay for both bagels.
She pleaded that she didn’t want to “waste” her money on bagels. So we negotiated specific chores she would have to do in order to pay for the bagels. She will be emptying the dishwasher and making her bed for the next few days without any other “incentive” other than to pay her debt of the two bagels.
This episode in the grocery store was exhausting and overwhelming. I follow the philosophy of parenting using consequences. Even though the scene lasted all but five or six minutes, it felt like hours. I stood my ground, kept focused, and made the situation about the behaviour and the consequences of her behaviour.
I believe children need to learn that there is a cause and effect of their actions. It is my role as a parent to provide “safe” ways for my children to learn about consequences. As hard as it was to see my daughter teary and listen to her plead with me, I knew that in this moment she was learning a lifelong lesson.
As strong as my convictions were, doubts set in. Was I too hard? Perhaps this was ultimately my fault. Maybe I should have told her why I didn’t want to get bagels today. Maybe when she first showed an interest in them, I should have told her not to open the bins. Regardless, we collected ourselves and continued with our grocery trip. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see a woman standing in front of me.
“Good job Mom,” she said.
I smiled and thanked her.
Even though I have a vision as to how I want to parent my girls, there is always a nagging voice or a shadow of a doubt. I wonder if I’m making the right choices, if I’m being too strict or too lenient, if my efforts are misguided, or if I’m getting it all wrong. I often reflect on situations and pick apart what I could have done differently.
We don’t often get a pat on the back for parenting. Whether we muddle through issues one day or triumphantly conquer challenging situations another day, we rarely receive acknowledgement for trying to do what we think is best. Those three beautiful words, from a complete stranger, in that moment, meant the world to me. It made me contemplate that perhaps I am doing something right.
I just read The Tale of Two Bagels... a lesson for a child and her mom. #parenting Click To Tweet
SHARE WITH OTHERS
I’ll repeat those words, which we don’t hear nearly often enough: “Good job, mom.”
Your consistency and patience will pay off! (And I needed to read this today!)
Thanks so much Robin. I’m certain that this lesson was and will be an important one.
Don’t ever doubt yourself! You’re doing a great job of raising the girls. I might have caved in and allowed it because I am.not consist at all. These life lessons will be with her forever and it shows that mom is not only there but she cares about her as well.
It’s hard not to doubt myself (I am, after all, The Deliberate Mom). I analyze everything so that I can make the next experience better/more successful. Thanks so much for the encouragement.
Hi Jennifer! I definitely think you did the right thing. And judging from your daughter’s reaction, she won’t be doing that again. I can think of so many parents who would just sigh, and pay for the bagels. (Or put them back? Ewww…) I admire your calm, fair reaction.
And God bless your angel who helped you by her comment. We just never know what power words have…in this case they had a lot of power and a calming influence too. God is so good.
Blessings,
Ceil
Thanks so much Ceil. Yes, I think the Lord knew I needed a morale boost in that moment.
Good one. Yes, it’s our responsibility as a parent to make our Children learn the life lesson on time. It helps them in future.
Thanks! Yes, I want my children to learn that there are consequences and that they are not entitled to anything and everything they want. It’s a tough lesson but one to teach them when they are young.
so sweet – good job mom!!!
Thanks so much Caroline. It was an intense moment for all but it was so worth it.
That was beautifully written! Good job, Mom, indeed. :)
Thanks so much Shecki. It was a tough moment for both of us but I know it was an important lesson.
How awesome of that woman to compliment you on handling the situation! I’m with her, you did exactly right! I love hearing about how you’re raising your girls! :-)
Thanks Susannah! I think the Lord knew I needed that reinforcement in that moment.
You did great!
Awww, thanks Hannah!
This is so amazing! I love that you stood your ground and taught a valuable lesson, even though it was hard. And how sweet to get some reassurance from that woman. Good job!
Thanks Tammy! Moments like these are challenging yet can be so rewarding.
What an inspiring blog with such a beautiful and real message. As soon as I was thinking “no no you were not too hard, you were great” I got to the stranger’s intervention. That little voice of doubt will always try to weasel its way in but you shouldn’t pay it any mind. Your intentions are always good spirited and I think you would have ultimately reached the conclusion in this particular situation that you did a great job- though I’m happy the stranger took you on the much needed shortcut.
I frequently pick apart my interactions. It’s my nature (another reason why I am The Deliberate Mom)? However, I am feeling very positive about this experience. I sincerely believe she learned an important lesson. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Great job teaching responsibility and consequence! Here’s another pat on the back and another “Good job, Mom.”
Awww, thanks Angel. As time passes I am feeling more reassured that this was a critical lesson.
You are such a good mom Jennifer. Sometimes it’s hard to stand your ground, but teaching valuable lessons like that to our children is so worthwhile. I always feel like I’m too hard on my daughter and get frustrated when she doesn’t listen and continues to do the same things over and over. I sometimes forget that she’s only 2. But if we continue to be consistent in our teachings and interactions with them, it will eventually stick.
Great job mommy!
xoxo
Awww, thanks Tiffany. It’s sometimes hard in those moments to have that “long term perspective”. I know she learned a valuable lesson.
First of all, I totally related to what you said about second guessing yourself. I always feel like maybe I didn’t explain something well enough or I didn’t give enough notice or maybe I presented something the wrong way…etc. Secondly, I think you did such an awesome job! And I love that that woman took the time to tell you that you did awesome. It does make such a difference when we get a pat on the back, because moms don’t get those often enough.
Jessica, I am notorious for second guessing myself. It’s a habit… and one that I’m not so fond of. Then again, this kind of personal reflection is why I am a deliberate mom.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Good job mom for sure. That was a tough situation, but you held firm. I love also to hear of other women supporting each other. That’s the way it should be!
Thanks so much Jennifer. Yes, I agree, it’s so important what we (moms/women) support each other and it’s wonderful when it happens.
“Good job mom.” When you don’t even know anyone is watching, doing the right thing for your daughter is so important. Your priorities are obviously in the right order. I catch myself giving in to my son when I am distracted, and even at nine, I think he already knows that. Maybe next time I’ll remember your tale of two bagels and slow down long enough to say the right thing. Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks so much for the encouragement Jennifer. I’m happy to hear my “tale of two bagels” resounded with you!
I think that was a brilliant solution! We definitely parent this way and I’ve seen a huge change in S in the past couple of weeks because of our consistency. The tantrums are minimal and she quickly comes around when she does melt down. It’s just all around much better, are we too harsh? Some might think so but she’s a happy kid and understands what a consequence is at just 3 years old.
It was quite the episode but I find it to be one of the most effective ways for my kids to learn “a lesson” about the decisions they make.
Thanks for sharing your experience with parenting using consequences Tawnya.
I agree with the woman – that was a great, age-appropriate response. One thing I really like with logical consequences is that it clearly connects with what your response would need to be as an adult. Kids see right through hypocrites, so she’ll see that not only are you modeling responsible behavior but you’re holding her up to a kid version of those same standards.