I struggle with myself daily. I am always on a quest to better myself as I feel I am never good enough. Today I asked myself why and I think I found the answer.
When I was in grade eight, I had two friends, “Ella” and “Fiona”. I loved my friends. They were near and dear to my heart. I knew Ella since grade three and I had met Fiona in grade seven. We studied, hung out at lunch hour and spent much of our spare time together.
I adored both of my friends but I started to idolize Fiona. She was smart and inspiring, as she had interests and ideas that were clearly her own. She loved football, motorcycles, sports cars and aspired to be a lawyer. I was in awe of her individualism, so was everyone else. She was popular. Not the “as you see it on television” sense of popular. She was grounded and real to herself, which made her likable and esteemed by most of the people in our school.
I however, was not popular. I had been bullied and teased since grade four. My torment seemed unending. The abuse I suffered was emotional. I was ugly, a “dog”, a nerd, a geek, a dork, four-eyes, a spaz…. I was an outcast.
Ella wasn’t popular either but she wasn’t bullied. Moreover, she was able to be my friend and avoid being ostracized by the rest of our classmates.
There was one day in grade eight when Fiona passed a note to me before class. I was excited. She cared enough to write me a note! This had to mean that our friendship was growing… we were getting closer.
Then I read the note.
Her words tore through my spirit. Fiona emphasized that I was a “poser”. I only liked the things she liked, my aspirations were her aspirations first and she hated me for being so immature. That’s a summation, the letter was a full loose leaf page… front and back. It highlighted my shortcomings and critiqued my lack of individuality.
I left the classroom and called my mom at work. I told her I was sick and I went home.
I spent the day crying. I read that letter over and over again. I evaluated its contents and bawled over the details. After a day of self-reflection and torment, I came to the conclusion that Fiona was right. I didn’t like football. I didn’t want to own a motorcycle and I really didn’t want to be a lawyer… I wanted to be an architect. Regardless of the truths in the letter, her words were hurtful and cruel.
This was a defining moment in my life. It was at this point that I truly felt that I was not something special. I felt I was less. I felt I had nothing unique to offer to the world. I was confused about my self-identity and was lost as to how to find the real me. In retrospect, does any teenager have a clear sense of self? I don’t think so.
I eventually lost my two friends. I couldn’t trust Fiona anymore and Ella had become one of her closest friends, which left me alone… fighting through the world of adolescence without an ally.
Years later, I’ve realized that I’ve struggled to open up to others for the fear that they could hurt and reject me. I’ve struggled with myself. Do I really know who I am? Am I sincerely me? I’ve spent years searching for my own identity. I may look like the person who can’t get hurt, who is strong and who can overcome adversity. I may look like I’m confident and that I have life figured out.
However, today I realized that there’s still a part of me who is that little girl… crying at home, reading that note over and over again and tormented by the fact that she may be insignificant in the eyes of others. That is the reality of being the me. The sensitive me. The real me.
That’s very sad Jennifer; kids (especially pre-teen girls) can be so cruel.
I’ve always struggled with who I really am. For the most part I think I’m just an odd mix of everything. Someone who never really fits in anywhere so just spends a little bit of time each part of my personality and hope that it doesn’t turn too many people off.
I think you are a beautiful soul and hope you never change. We all have our moments of insecurity and know that you have friends who think you’re awesome and are happy to be around to remind you :)
I think there are some people who have a better sense of who they are earlier than others. I struggled with all the different dynamics of who I am for a long time. And then I realized, that was who I am. I’m not neatly defined or explained.
My daughter has always had a strong sense of who she is from a very early age.
You understand why you protect yourself and the little girl who was hurt. That’s half the battle. You’re well on your way.
Keep being you. :)
Thanks for your vulnerability, Jennifer. And I really love that picture of you :)
I think we all have stories like this :( I know I sure do. It’s tough to put yourself out there like when you’ve been hurt like that in the past. But at some point you have to move on right (or that is what I keep telling myself). My goal is to raise exceptionally resilient children. Because sadly, I know I won’t be able to protect them from hurt. Sigh! Big Hugs, and good for you for being so vulnerable now!!
What a raw and honest and incredibly thought-provoking post! Thank you for sharing, for being vulnerable… I can both sympathize and empathize… loving energy coming your way…
The stuff that goes on in school is heartless and it doesn’t define you. My impression, based upon your writing and the things you do, is so different from the one you’ve shared. I think it’s nonsense to title this post as “the real you” because I don’t buy it.
Though it’s hard, it’s better to let our hang-ups go. It’s physically damaging to re-live them. Breathe deeply and move on with what’s working. Forgive yourself and the people in the past who have called you “a “dog”, a nerd, a geek, a dork, four-eyes, a spaz!” (Eat healthier. Clean up your gut and you’ll feel better–drink kefir or kombucha. Imbalance in our body’s systems makes us unhappy with ourselves.)
Personally, I kind of like being a dork, a geek, etc. vs. of being a cookie-cutter mainstream figure. I have to say reading those descriptive words cracked me up because they represent a time frame for my youth as well. We must be around the same age.
On a happier note, I wanted to let you know that I’ve enjoyed your blog’s content since I discovered it. I look forward to reading it! I would like to recognize it with an award. Drop in and see. http://kristinshermanolnes.com/2013/04/17/931/