Did you have a birth plan? Check out what I wish I had included in my hospital birth plan.
The other day I was cleaning.
*Insert: Oh help us… she was cleaning.*
Of course, whenever this anomaly occurs, I discover some horrifying piece of memorabilia that I wish would have stayed hidden until after my death or eaten by my dog.
I cringed at my long list of requests… a natural birth, a quiet room, dim lighting… and on, and on, and on. I mean really, did I have to write down 2 full pages of requests and instructions?!
As I read through the plan, I daydreamed about birth plans and here’s what I wish I had written in my birth plan…
What I Should Have Written in My Birth Plan
OH MY GOODNESS! I’M HAVING A BABY!
Yay! I’m in labour but you probably already knew this. I’ve carefully considered my wishes for this birth and lucky for you, I’ve typed my requests to share with you today!
* Let’s cut to the chase and make one thing clear… I don’t know how to poop. Seriously. I’m perpetually constipated. So please don’t tell me to push like I’m taking a poop because when I poop, there’s no work involved. When I’m ready to go, I’m READY to go… feces literally explodes out of me.
* Speaking of feces, if I poop on the table, can you all make sure I don’t know and maybe distract my husband so he doesn’t see it either? I would like to keep my dignity and some “mystery” in my marriage.
* I’m a screamer. I’ve provided several packages of ear plugs for the nurses who attend to me during my birth. Please make sure they get them. If needed, I’ll gladly distribute headache medication too.
* Don’t offer me a mirror unless there’s lettuce in my teeth or I need a new coat of lipstick. I don’t want to see my lady bits and pieces all out of shape. I’ll leave the beauty of childbirth to my imagination.
* I do not like needles in my spine. I do not like them, they are not fine. I do not like them here nor there, I do not like them anywhere. I do not like needles in my spine… but hook me up with the laughing gas okay?!
* I’m indecisive at the best of times… I apologize in advance for waffling over ice chips or water, walking or squatting, laying down or sitting on an exercise ball.
* I want to breastfeed my baby. Just so you’re aware, I’ve read all about how to do so but I may need some coaching and encouragement. There are pompoms in my labour bag but I’ll let you get creative with the cheers.
* Please don’t give my baby a soother – this has nothing to do with potential nipple confusion. (I still don’t fully understand that idea. It’s not as if a breast nipple and a soother nipple even remotely similar)! The reason for my request is I’m seeing the endgame here, I mean who wants to wean their kid off a soother? It ain’t easy folks!
* I would like to place an immediate order for 5 cases of mesh panties… I heard they’re in style (and a must-have in every postpartum wardrobe).
* We would like to partake in the give birth and get a vasectomy deal. Please reserve my husband’s vasectomy for 2-3 hours after I’m settled into my room with the baby. In honor of my commitment to a natural childbirth, he is forgoing all pain medication…. Just kidding, he can have the laughing gas.
Congratulations! You made it to the last point of my birth plan and you’re still reading! That tells me you’re quite the trooper!
The most essential instructions.
This section is especially important so pay close attention.
You probably read hundreds of these birth plans per year. You see a lot in your days… from the joy of birth to the deafening silence of a delivery gone wrong. What you do is important. What you say is important. How you treat us and every other family on this unit is important. I can’t thank you enough. You smile, you listen, you coach, you encourage, and you console.
The work you do is essential and I want to thank you for being with me and my family on this special day. I want to thank you for aiding my husband in his role as he supports me through childbirth. I want to thank you for being here with us as we welcome the newest member of our family into the world. Your presence here means the world to us and we truly appreciate you.
So here’s a coffee card to share with all the other nurses and attendants on the unit. Today’s caffeine is on me.
Did you write a birth plan? What do you wish you included in yours? Please comment below and share this post with your mom friends, as well as the maternity nurses, doctors, doulas, midwives, and birth attendants in your life.
Even though it has been almost 6 years since I had my last baby, I couldn’t have said this better if I tried! Seriously Jennifer you nailed it and definitely if I would have known then what I know now would have been a different ballgame all together. Thanks for sharing and wishing you a wonderful week ahead now xoxo ;)
It’s funny how I put so much into my birth plan and I look back and think – what I really needed to do was tell the nurses how darn awesome they were and how much I appreciated that they were going to be part of our big day!
Hahaha! Oh Jennifer, this gave me a good laugh this morning. Thank you! I especially liked the Seussical bit about epidurals. ?
And what a perfect ending. I never wrote a birth plan for our 2 babies, but if I do, I’d want it to be a lot like yours! ?
I love “playing” Seuss – I often use the “Green Eggs and Ham” one with things I wish to say. I think it drives my oldest daughter crazy. lol
So glad you enjoyed this and that it gave you a good laugh.
Ha ha! I agree with no needles. I had water births but I have to admit I was always afraid of pooping in the water. I never wanted to have an epidural but even if I did I don’t think I could stand the thought of a needle in my back. I never made a birth plan, I just prayed that it would be quick and as painless as possible. Of course there was pain, but I was truly blessed to have all of my births very quickly;)
Oh my births were loooooooong! although I’m sure compared to others mine would be considered quick. My first daughter took 16 hours and my second daughter was 12 hours. Ugh!
LOL! I love this. Especially the part about the mirror. They offered this to me with Little A and I was like Hello no I don’t want to see that! I’m still not happy my hubby did….both times….
I’m glad you enjoyed this Tiffany. I seriously didn’t understand the mirror thing – I was like yelling – NO!! I think the doctor thought it would motivate me to push more. Ummm – no thank you! lol
Love it. The coffee card! We brought brownies. Scarlet was born on her due date. Des was an early surprise but we came back with cupcakes.
And boy – I had a plan but luckily it was loose. You just never know, do you?
I hope your pooping got back to normal after baby!
I never thought to bring anything for the nursing / hospital staff. Seriously huge regrets there (hence my birth plan “do-over”). lol
Ok this is an awesome birth plan. Love it. But now I’m curious about your actual birth plan haha. Mine was pretty relaxed compared to some, but still had a lot of demands/wants/pretty pleases. Many went out the window heh.
Oh my goodness Julie, my original is crazy. It had everything from lighting to music, and no soother to quiet room requests covered. It was ridiculously long and I’m sure anyone’s eyes would have glazed over reading it. lol
I’m one of those who never had a birth plan because I’ve never given birth. I’ve had 4 children and all were scheduled c-sections. I knew exactly what day they were going to be born, well all except the last who after going in for a regular screening was told “we’re scheduling you now instead of later”. Sometimes I wish I had experienced the childbirth but it doesn’t make me any less a woman/mother. :)
I guess having a scheduled c-section would make having a birth plan somewhat unnecessary. I agree with your last sentiment too – motherhood does not hinge on which way you birth your kids.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Amanda.
Oh man, my birth plan was “get the baby out!”….thankfully it worked!
LOL – that’s a great (and effective) birth plan ;)
LOL! Yes to all of this! Mesh panties are the WORST!
Glad you enjoyed this. Although I disagree on the mesh panties… although unattractive, I totally loved the comfort of them. LOL
Oh my, wonderful stuff! I cringe too when I think of the long birth plan I wrote for my first. He was born at a teaching hospital for crying out loud, which meant groups of people marching in and out of the room to observe as they continually checked my cervix for “ripening” and dilation. Heck, I think even the housekeeper might have had a look. They smiled politely at my birth plan and then did what they wanted to. Ended up c-section. Third baby was born at home with the midwives, and yes, I snapped at her when she kept encouraging me to “look”. I was busy trying to get the baby out, not stopping to check out the scenery…
LOL – glad to know I wasn’t the only epic birth plan writer. I giggled at the reflections of your birth. I had a group of students come in while I was birthing (even after I had clearly asked that no students be given a “tour” of my birth experience). I think I growled for them to leave…. LOL
This was funny, yet beautifully written. Thank you so much for this <3
Delighted you enjoyed it Christina!
I’ve never written an actual birth plan. Although, i really believe in them and think they add value to birth when there are doubts. I also think, in some cases or instances, especially when a woman/family ia convicted, theyre actually necessary. Those birth plans are typically pretty reasonable, or at least i think so.
With Monkey boy, we hired a local doula and birthed out of state in a WONDERFUL facility with a gentle and loving LPM/CPM. I had no idea what it would be like, but I was confident that I’d be cared for and directed as need be. Things went relatively well and my only real rough feelings happened after birth and weren’t the fault of the doula or our midwife.
For Turtle Boy, we opted out of the local dollars, but chose the same midwife and birthed out of state, this time in a loaner home! I had some surer ideas about my labors about and birth, as well as some hows/whats. Interestingly, none one my other ideas happened, yet the birth was still so wonderful and beautiful. Also healing, but that’s another story altogether.
All joking aside – if I were to give birth again, I would have a simple plan. I had a doula for both births – they could have taken care of all the “details” like low lighting, music, and pillows, etc. I’m sure the nurses probably laughed and wondered why I was treating my birth like a resort hotel stay – LOL
Haha! Yeah, maybe. Or maybe they were just wanting to do their best at the time! Also, I do agree that having a plan with your doula or birth assistant(s) and then a different one more directly related to your medical providers can be useful. It keeps the waters from being too muddy in terms of comfort versus desire and/or necessity. :)
This was a perfect read for me, considering I will hopefully go into labor within the next week and haven’t written a birth plan this time around. i guess I really didn’t have a detailed one with my first either and it went as smooth as labor can go. i laughed at your birth and vasectomy deal- with no meds for the hubby! I will have to make that suggestion too and see how it goes :) Cute post, just what I needed today! #SHINEbloghop
Oh wow! You’re that far along Kim?! How exciting! If I were to have another baby, I would stick to the basic, most essential points in my birth plan. I had my hubby and a doula for both births… they could have taken care of the “details” for me.
Glad you enjoyed this Kim. Blessings to you this week as you prepare for birth.
I literally laughed out loud SO many times as I read this!!!!! SO true!! I remember when I got to the hospital to have my first child I sat down and the nurse said “I see the hair!” I panicked and told my husband to get the birth plan! She laughed at me and said, “Honey, the plan is you’re having this baby right now.” 5 minutes later I was holding my daughter. Birth plan schmirth plan! ;)
LOL – YES! I’m delighted you enjoyed this Laura! Thanks for sharing about your “birth plan”.