It’s almost 4 am. I can’t sleep. I’m crying. I’m a wreck.
I have to go to work today. That’s what the trauma counselor said I needed to do in order to get better….
It happened on Monday.
I had just parked my car and was walking along the sidewalk to work. As I was stopped at a crosswalk, I noticed a disheveled looking man across the street, standing with his bicycle. He was holding something in his hands and he was yelling nonsensical stuff at nothing in particular. I did what I always do when confronted with situations like this… I kept on walking past, avoiding eye contact.
Just as I passed him it happened. I heard POP – POP POP – POP.
My heart started racing. I turned around and he continued to yell stuff as he pointed a gun in my direction. A few more pops.
I felt sick and then I realized it was a cap gun.
I immediately contacted my work’s security. I had no description for them… as I had been avoiding eye contact. The minute I walked through the doors of my work I broke down and went to my boss to tell her what happened.
I couldn’t stop crying.
I couldn’t stop shaking.
A nasty circle of thoughts bombarded me.
What if it was a real gun? I did everything wrong.
Why did I freeze up?
Why did I avoid eye contact?
Why didn’t I get a better look at him when I realized it was a cap gun?
My workplace has been so supportive. They made alternate temporary parking arrangements for me. They immediately set me up with a trauma counselor and put me in contact with other counseling services. I had yesterday off to help me collect my thoughts.
Today I have to go back.
My brain and spirit tells me it will be okay. I will probably never experience something like this again but my heart begins to pound and I feel sick at the thought of leaving the house.
The Miriam Webster dictionary defines traumatized as the following:
traumatizedpast participle, past tense of trau·ma·tize (Verb)
Verb:
- Subject to lasting shock as a result of an emotionally disturbing experience or physical injury.
Yes. I’ve been traumatized. To make matters worse this has brought up past trauma of when I was robbed at gunpoint while at work nineteen years ago. Unresolved trauma exacerbated by this event.
I’m scared to leave the house. I get a panicked feeling every time I think about it… but today I have to do it.
I will do it.
And it will be okay.
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I’m so sorry this has happened to you…again. Big hugs and prayers for you, while you work through all your emotions. I think facing it by going back to work IS the right thing to do, even if you feel a wreck. I’ll be thinking of you!!!!
Oh gosh I am so so sorry that happened to you. How scary and I can totally understand your anxiety stemming from this. Maybe your counselor will continue to help you work through this but don’t beat yourself up, You did what You felt was right at the time and honestly, I think I would have done the same thing. Hang in there, I’ll send some prayers your way! ((HUGS))
I’m so sorry this happened…. I’m glad your workplace has been so supportive and were able to set up the counseling right away. I love your strength, Jennifer.
Jennifer, I just have no words to offer you… all I can offer you is my friendship, love, support, and encouragement.
We take it one day at a time, hun… I know all too well, that feeling of “unresolved trauma exacerbated…”.
I can’t tell you if time heals all wounds. I can say that time makes it easier to face those wounds without that constant lump in your throat, that weight on your chest, that intense anxiety… that it won’t always be the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning. You will never forget, it will always take some mental management, but it won’t always be this hard. *hugs* and love… xoxo
Thank you Sofia. Your hugs, love, and support mean so much to me.
xoxo
Wow this is extremely scary. I cant believe you have had two traumatic experiences with guns within one lifetime. Stay strong sweetie and don’t let your brain drive you mad.
Oh my gosh I’ve just been reading all these posts about this incident. How scary! I’m so sorry that happened, and at the same time so relieved it was just a cap gun. How terrifying. The brain is complex thing. Once when we were at a McDonalds play place, my son was in the top high part in a plexiglass bubble banging away. I thought to myself, I sure hope those are sturdy. They must be, right? Then a few minutes later, I looked back and he was laying face down on the floor. Now there was also a birthday party going on and silly string everywhere. . . well because of what I had just been thinking, when I saw him lying there and saw all the silly string, my brain thought “the plexi glass has shattered and he has fallen from the high bubble he was just in” and I FREAKED out. I yelled his name, screamed, ran to him. He popped up like I was insane. He was just playing. People looked at me like I was insane. My husband was with me and looked at me like I was insane. I felt insane. But when I went back to our table, I was shaking and I started crying uncontrollably. Because my brain had just processed the thought that my son had fallen was lying dead on the floor. I still get shaky thinking about it. I never want to have that feeling of panic and terror ever ever again. The brain is very complex. I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better, and will continue to keep healing!
I completely hear you Leilani – the brain can play horrible tricks on you.
I am so thankful for God’s healing touch.