When I began blogging, I swore there were a few topics I thought I would never write about. These topics included; sex, politics and God.
However, how can I be honest with myself and honest with my readers if I’m hiding a huge part of me and what’s going on in my life?
So, today I am breaking that oath because I need to share a little bit about the recent wrestling match I’ve had with God and with my own spirituality.
My spirituality is a personal journey but for today I feel the need to express my innermost emotions.
I grew up with constant exposure to God and Christianity. Throughout my life and on several occasions I have renewed and rekindled my walk with God and accepted Jesus Christ into my life. But there were questions and issues that I struggled with.
There’s an inner voice that screams:
How can there be a hell? If I choose not to believe in hell, then I’ve just dismissed God, Christ, and Christianity.
What about people who don’t know about Christ? Will they go to hell?
Why do bad things happen to good people… more specifically, people who are devoted to God?
I know these are common questions that many people ask, but being a logical person, I felt I needed answers to these questions before budging on my faith.
So I would pull away from God and search, once again, for answers to my inquiries.
Then something happened.
It wasn’t earth shattering…
It was a whisper.
Then a hint.
Then a revelation.
I am afraid.
I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of something happening to my children and my husband. I am afraid that my friends would challenge or dismiss me because my views may contradict theirs.
Most importantly, I’m afraid of God.
I’m afraid to live because I’m afraid to die.
I have been hiding under the blankets, hoping God wouldn’t see me. Hoping He wouldn’t call on me to step up and seek Him out. I’m ashamed to admit that I was fearful that if I did commit to Him, I would be tested like Job and that everything near and dear to me would be taken away.
So began my journey of opening my Bible and praying and trusting in Him. I don’t have the answers to my questions, but that’s okay… this is, in part, what having faith is about. Right now I feel God’s presence but He feels out of reach. So, like Jacob (Genesis 32: 24-29) I will wrestle with Him and hang onto Him until He blesses me.
And you know what? For the first time ever, I can say that I’m not afraid.
SHARE WITH OTHERS
It IS a difficult subject to talk about but I think as long as you’re open to hear what others have to say, they are generally open to what you have to say.
It is a journey to find out what you believe in and though I’m Christian I can say that no church fully believes what I do so sometimes you just have to mix and match :)
I’m always open to hearing people’s ideas so if you ever want to talk just let me know. I’m glad you’re not longer feeling afraid.
Personally, I think things are too perfect for there not to be a God. Everything from the air and water and what every creature does with it to survive to the fact that everything in nature, living or not, work together to exist. Even the smallest micro organisms serve a purpose, just as the rocks, wind and rain. Even death serves a purpose. Things can seem harsh and unfair to us at times but ultimately everything is necessary.
That is why I believe in a God, not because the Bible, Koran or any manuscript says there is. Anyone or anything so powerful as to create and control everything in the universe must certainly be beyond our understanding. I accept the fact that we are unable to comprehend God. As far as Heaven, Hell or anything else taught and studied by religious groups, I figure their guess is as good as anyone else because no one really knows. I’ll live the best way I can and hope to make a difference and accept whatever fate has in store for me because I have no idea what the future holds.
That’s just my two cents and I respect anyone’s personal belief as far as religion is concerned.
Really great post…I’m glad you wrote it…this is a subject that I think of often…sometimes I am very confused as to what I believe and what I have been brought up to believe…my mother is a minister and of course church, religion, christianity have always been a very important element of our family life…but this fact always leaves me wondering do I believe because I truly believe or is this just something that I think I have to believe in….
I know I have some work to do….thanks for sparking my mind….
m
Keep walking with Him. God doesn’t “do bad things to us.” He shows sometimes that we are not walking correctly. The lessons in life are just that–learning from mistakes, tragedy, successes. I was hit by a car 1 week after starting college. I was so sad. I wondered why he would allow that to happen to me. I knew a very short while later. I was not supposed to be in AZ, my future husband was waiting on me in OH. I would have NEVER crossed paths with him had I not been hit. Without God’s redirection I would not have my 3 wonderful boys and husband. It is a difficult thing to see the tragedy as a blessing. Sometimes they are so well hidden.
here from canadian moms……i think we all have times when we wonder…when we question life and the whys. i don’t have the answers…i am one of those people that believe but am unsure in what. a higher force…….certainly but that is sort of where it gets blurry for me lol
i think staying true to yourself is a step to the answers….great post!
I simply love this post. Ahhh… the mystery…
I don’t know how far you’ve come in this journey (and it IS a journey), but I’m glad you’ve taken the first step. It’s no fun living in fear. Keep seeking Him!
~k
(found you from Sew Many Ways FaFF)