A few months ago, I shared that my husband and I were trying to conceive a second child. It was with great difficulty and a sense of defeat that I wrote about our struggles with fertility. It has been my heart’s desire to provide a sibling for my daughter. I was raised an only child and I remember the loneliness I felt while growing up… something I don’t want for my daughter.
In July 2010 I had found out I was pregnant. Our hopes and dreams were being fulfilled! We began to look through our baby supplies. We began to plan how we would tell our family members. We started discussing names and making a list of things that needed to be done before the baby was born. Within two weeks, I had a miscarriage. We were devastated. The miscarriage was crushing and even though I was only a couple weeks pregnant the grief was beyond description.
We’ve been trying ever since. Ovulation calculators, fertility predictors, calendars and peeing on sticks… many, many sticks. We swore we would not make conceiving a child our primary focus but it did begin to take over our lives. When I wrote The Day My Paper Shredder Made Me Cry, it was my way of releasing my obsession about conception and fertility. I submitted and let go.
Then it happened… in early November 2010, within a few weeks of sharing our struggles with the world, we found out that we were pregnant. At least, the test seemed to indicate I was pregnant.
I waited a couple days and thought I would test again.
I didn’t know what to think… I needed this to be spelled out for me. So I got one of those digital pregnancy tests that say “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant”. After all, I had resigned to the fact that we may never conceive a second child.
What did it say?
“Pregnant”
So I was pregnant.
After months of trying and one miscarriage, I was pregnant!
I should be excited. I should be bouncing off the walls!
However, things were different this time around. We avoided discussing names. We talked very little about the baby. I ate well and took care of myself but I couldn’t feel any joy about this little person growing inside of me.
Every time I went to the bathroom, I expected to see blood. Every ache and uterine pain sent me into tears… I couldn’t help but think that perhaps I was miscarrying again. My OB-GYN would not see me until I was thirteen weeks along… I knew those would be the longest thirteen weeks of my life.
I wanted to document this pregnancy like I had documented my pregnancy with my daughter. So at 10 weeks I bought a pregnancy journal but I refused to write in it with pen… I used pencil instead.
After a couple months of waiting, it was finally time for my first prenatal appointment.
I immediately disclosed to my doctor my intense fear that this pregnancy wasn’t viable and that I would miscarry again. She instantly whipped out the Doppler and within a minute, found the baby’s heartbeat… the beautiful sound of life within me.
I cried as I laid there on the table. My baby is alive. This is real. I am pregnant. I am really pregnant! 155 beats per minute. 155… what a beautiful number.
So very, very happy for you guys Jennifer :) I understand not wanting to ‘write in pen’ or discuss names. We didn’t tell anyone we were pregnant until 13 weeks and even then I didn’t buy a single thing for the baby until we were at almost 5 months along. I was pretty nervous after waiting almost a year to get pregnant.
Thank you for sharing something so private for the world to read. I guess you just never know the struggles someone is going through in their lives. I’m so happy for both you and Evan that your dreams of having a second child are going to be realized. Reading this makes me so thankful for my family and our beautiful little girls.
This is so personal, so honest, and something I can so relate to… I still feel guilty at times for not allowing myself to get attached too soon, but I think for women who have gone through it, the words dont need to be spoken, you just understand each other.
I didnt want to get pregnant after that, it was too scary, too raw, but eventually I did. This is my 3rd pregnancy after that loss and I still spent the first several months in that state that you described so well. I never said it out loud, but when you said “Every time I went to the bathroom, I expected to see blood.” you said it for me. Thank you for that honesty…
Congratulations, to you and your family…
This is beautifully written, Jennifer.
Thanks for sharing, Jennifer. And I am sooooo happy for you and your family.
:)
Thanks everyone for the heartfelt congratulations!
Sofia: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. As you alluded to, there’s a universal bond and understanding between women particularly when they’ve had the similar experience of miscarriage. I truly appreciate your openness.
Congratulations, what joy, and this is such a sweet and wonderful post. We do all share a bond as mothers, and It’s so good for me to read this right now. Thank you for sharing this and I wish you such joy in the coming year! :)
Beautiful and congratulations!
omg! This is meee! We had our first child without trying at all (I was off birth control for one month and bam! Baby!) Now I’ve been off since December and we’re still not pregnant!!! We were… back in March, but I miscarried at 11 weeks :-( Now we’re trying again and I have all the same things… the ovulation sticks, calendars, many many pee sticks lol Hopefully we’ll be pregnant before the end of the year!!!
I too was an only child so I definitely want to give my son a sibling!! He just turned three and I don’t want them to be too far apart so the pressure is on!!! This is actually the first month we are using ovulation sticks and calendars so hopefully this month is it!!!!! :-)
I’ll be praying and sending fertile thoughts your way. The ovulation sticks were awesome… it really did help us track things better.
Best wishes to you.
xoxo
Beautiful. I am so sorry for your early loss, but so happy your baby made her way here!
Thank you Farrah. She has brought us so much delight… both of my girls have given us joy. I certainly feel blessed.
This is a worthy feature. I didn’t know about your struggle to get pregnant and can I just say I love your daughter’s name in light of the miracle baby that she was? I mean, all babies are miracles but this second daughter of yours was so wanted and needed to complete your family. Beautiful!
When I heard that heartbeat, suddenly all the disconnect that I felt, and the lack of hope disappeared. We had hope once again. Yes, her name was perfect.
Thanks for sharing. 155 is indeed a beautiful number. So is 40. I had two early miscarriages in between my daughter and having my son. It was hard to enjoy the early days of my son’s pregnancy. I didn’t take any pregnant belly pictures with my son like I did with my daughter – I regret it now. But he doesn’t seem to mind.
Those miscarriages are brutal. I went through two myself. It’s so hard to enjoy the pregnancy when you’re fearing for your baby’s health and safety.
Thank you for sharing your experience Amanda.