Before you stop reading because you think I’m going to whine and self-loathe… read on.
I am an introspective person. I am self-reflective almost to a fault. Some people would say that being self-reflective is a positive characteristic… that it’s tough to be evaluative of oneself. However, I think there is a serious detriment to being too self-reflective; where self-reflection takes over the individual and smothers their very existence. There isn’t a moment in my life when I’m not working to change some aspect or improve some area of my life.
Well, I quit. I formally give my resignation.
The fact of the matter is, I’m awesome. No, this isn’t arrogance, this is me deciding that I am awesome at being me. You… well, you are a failure at being me, but I know how to be me. At least I think I know how to be me. That’s why I need to quit trying. I need to stop trying to be a better mom. I need to stop trying to be healthier. I need to stop trying to be a better wife. I need to stop trying and I need to be. I need to be still and savour the solitude and peace that comes with accepting who I am.
I am thirty-seven-years-old and I haven’t taken time to enjoy who I am without trying to alter who I am. Why? Why can’t I be happy being me? Why can’t I rest in the fact that I am who I am… and accept that who I am is okay?
I spend so much time and energy on self-improvement strategies. I’m sure if I let go of those efforts, that I would have more time and energy to be me. I’m also pretty sure that in being me, the extra time and energy would allow me to be a healthier woman, a better mom and a better wife.
Have you ever noticed that that worst thing about housework, is the anticipation of doing housework? Usually, when submerged in the tasks, it’s not as bad as you expected it to be. Well, I liken my constant self-improvement to the dread of doing housework. I’m spending all my time primping my cleaning supplies and making a plan to tackle the chores but I never just get in there and do them.
So, I quit trying to be better and I’m going to start being me. I imagine at some point, self-improvement strategies will creep back in… as this is my nature, but hopefully by taking a break from constant change I can gain more confidence in being (and liking) me.
Former early childhood professional, now a stay-at-home-mom of two girls. I write about parenting, homeschooling, my faith, and personal life experiences. I'm striving to become the deliberate mom I long to be.