It’s my husband’s birthday on Wednesday. This past weekend we celebrated with his family and at my husband’s request, I made him an apple pie for dessert. I’ve made many apple pies before but this one was special….
I love baking. It’s such a relaxing activity. I often go into a reflective state of mind. I could never be meditative while baking; my mind often drifts to memories of long ago. It pauses at happy moments; it floats through sad ones. It circles around memories of friends and family. It ebbs and flows through all the places that my hectic everyday life doesn’t permit me to visit.
As my hands rolled out the dough for the pie crust, my memories rolled out as well. I pushed the rolling pin and as a sea, the dough moved with my memories. My thoughts then stop to visit my paternal grandmother. A slight smile comes to my face, and my eyes begin to water. Every time I bake, I have moments that I pause and think about her. A beautiful woman, full of God, who delighted in so much. Gardening, picking berries for pies, picnics, pressing flowers, singing hymns, bird watching, playing the tambourine, and baking… these are just a few of her activities that encompass some of my fondest memories of her.
As a little girl, I spent hours in her kitchen, watching her move gracefully from the counter, to stove, to sink, to fridge. When she baked, it was an elaborate sort of dance. Whisking, mixing, kneading, rolling… the apron around her waist could pass as a tutu and her dance partners, the wooden spoon and mixing bowl. She crafted divine recipes with ease. As she poured her batters or filled her pie crusts, she hummed or sang hymns. Her kitchen was warm, full of love, and full of God.
It seems odd to speak of the living in the past tense. You see, my grandmother currently lives in a long-term care facility, and she has Alzheimer’s. My heart aches every time I visit her. I long to sit with her, to bake with her, to talk with her, but her words are not her own. She only echos the words she hears. However, she can still sing. If you start a song, she will sing along, sometimes remembering the words before you say them. It’s a beautiful gift that God has given us so that we can still connect with one another.
Tears start to run down my face. My mind goes back to the pie crust that I am pressing into the glass plate. I wish I could share my delight in baking with her, as this only recently became a hobby of mine. How I wish I could ask for tips, share recipes, and stand in the kitchen with her… that I could show her my dance, the dance that I learned from her.
I also wish I could share my love of God with her. I can only imagine how much she would delight in knowing that I found my place in God’s forgiving arms. Her heart was always full of God. She radiated pure joy and love for Christ. She took joy in everything but delighted in the small things that most people would overlook… the ladybug crawling on a leaf, the bird hopping on the lawn, and the one cloud in the clear blue sky.
My mind wanders again to a summer over two years ago. My Grandma and Grandpa came out to my parent’s lake lot. I was shocked at how the Alzheimer’s had taken her. I hadn’t seen her for almost four years and was devastated by the “loss” I felt. She parroted the words I said, but mostly she sat quietly in her chair. At the end of our visit I embraced her and said, “I love you, Grandma.” She looked me squarely in the eyes and said, “I love you too dear. You have a good life.”
Those were the last “coherent” words I heard from her.
A smile came back to my face. I can hear her voice in my head. She’s singing… “This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine….”
Thank you, Grandma. I have a good life, and I’m going to let my light shine… as I learned from a woman who’s light shone brighter than the sun.
SHARE WITH OTHERS
Oh dear! Are you trying to make me cry?!? My grandmother died a few years ago and every time I see or am given fig preserves I think of her and picking figs (reads as eating figs)in her back yard and going to the beach….she was an amazing woman. Thanks for sharing your love!
I’m crying.
I can’t even comment right now. I have to come back later.
OMGosh, I am, no exaggeration, bawling!!!!
Aww, very beautiful! I grew up without any grandmothers myself and when I hear of other people’s beautiful memories I know I missed out on something very special. My maternal grandmother passed away when I was a teenager, but her sparkly personality was lost to a hard life, depression, and mental illness long before I had the chance to know her. My mom says she was well known for her gardening talents and loved to bake. Unfortunately, I never got to meet that version of her. I think we would have had lots in common though. For example, her handwriting is exactly like mine! You have some beautiful memories of your grandma which are very special. Thanks so much for sharing.
You made me cry, but in a happy way :) Isn’t it lovely how our grandparents have touched our lives? Sometimes when I catch myself getting frustrated with my folks for being too easy on my kids I remember how much I adored my grandparents and then just let it go. I want my folks have that special bond with the kids too.
This is so powerful. I love making apple pie and this post really hit me. I was reminded of my grandmother’s kitchen in Connecticut.
Beautiful tribute to your grandmother –
What a beautiful post, I have tears running down my cheeks. I am so sorry for your loss, Alzheimer’s disease is so cruel. Her last coherent words to you broke my heart, almost like she was saying goodbye before it was too late.
Your memories of her are so vivid and beautiful, never forget those moments.
I often wish my paternal Grandmother was still here on earth, to sit and knit together, and maybe she could give me gardening tips as well as she had a fantastic garden and I can’t even keep my houseplants alive.
Blessings to you.
OK, so I shared this post on facebook, twitter, and Google+. Awesome, awesome post, in case you were unsure! ;0
I think the reason I reacted so strongly to this is because ever since I was little, I always had this hole in my heart where a grandmother should have been. By the time I was born, my maternal grandmother had already passed of diabetes. (She & my grandfather both passed just a year or two after my mother started a family.) I would listen to stories, and look at the few pictures we had of her, and I would always feel so sad that I would never have the opportunity to meet her, let alone have her be a part of my life. And I guess it was odd to my mom that I would “miss” her, even though I never met her. Maybe it is odd. I don’t know, but thats how I felt. I even remember being about 10 years old and locking myself up in my room, mourning her.
Anyway, my paternal grandmother had birthed 15 children (that survived) and from that, came many many grandchildren. She lived in Indonesia and the most I ever saw her was when I was 4 and stayed in Indonesia for about 6 months. I don’t remember much about her from that time except that when I would go to her house, I would feel like I WANTed to feel close to her, but it wasn’t mutual. Does that make sense? At four years old? (Wow, I’m realizing how sensitive I am. Sheesh!)
Soooo, when I became a mom, one of the most important things to me was that I wanted my parents to be a PART of my children’s lives. I wanted our lives to be *intertwined*. But now, my parents live in Indonesia. They’ve been there for years but it is very much still a sore subject for me. And I think thats why your post made me cry so much. Because I longed for that as a child, and now I long that for my children too. (And now I’m crying again!)
You have such strong, vivid memories of your grandmother. And I am jealous.
But I love how you took us on a journey with you… your emotional journey about how you feel about your grandmother, your memories of her, her current condition, and the perspective you hold today… you are letting your light shine, and it inspires me, Jennifer.
xoxoxo
Wow Sofia… thank you so much for sharing your heart here. It means so much.
Thanks for sharing this post with the Blogger’s Pledge linkup I did. What a story to tell and read and how you connect this is wonderful.
I have an aunt with Alzheimer’s and it is, indeed, one awful disease. At least you have the wonderful memories you can go back to, which is always something more powerful than many other things.
And it’s a gift, I would think, that baking helps you go back to memories and let’s you see the past a bit. That’s a good thing as it will always help you stay connected as to who you are.
What a beautiful person she was. It sounds like for almost her entire life she radiated light and love. I am certain she is at peace. It must have been very hard on you to watch her mind fade. Hold onto the memories and her spirit because those will live forever
oh my goodness, this was beautiful, Jennifer! Such an incredible tribute to your grandma. Alzheimer’s is such a horrible disease.. My great grandma had it also. It was sad to watch her deteriorate.. How wonderful that you can still connect with your grandma through song.
Thank you so much for reading Tawnya. She was an amazing woman. She died April 29, 2014… but I still connect with her through baking and song. She will always be in my heart and my memories. <3